Change Will Come
by tessellateheart
Summary: Most people journal. Stiles writes letters, more specifically letters to his mother.


**I didn't have anyone to beta this so any errors are completely due to me being lame. Reviews are very much encouraged!  
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**June 2****nd**

_I read an article online today about how stress affects cancer. The results were more or less inconclusive, which doesn't surprise me at all considering how useless the doctors always were, never knowing why or how the cancer kept spreading or having any viable options to really help. That's beside the point though. The article said that being overwhelmed with stress can cause the tumors to grow and spread more than someone with a relatively stress-free life, and there have even been specific cases where the stress has actually caused the cancer. What I'm getting at here is that I can't image having a child with ADHD and an affinity for getting into the most bizarre trouble could be easy on anyone, especially someone who already had a family history of it. I told you about that hallucination I had before, the one where dad told me that it was my fault that you were dead, that I had killed you and would end up killing him too. I keep trying to tell myself that it was fake and that none of it was true, that dad doesn't blame me for anything. I was only a child then, only nine years old and unaware that things like cancer even existed. I was living in a fantasy world back then, totally oblivious to the fact that people eventually died. Sure there was Uncle Greg back when I was really little, but that never really registered with me. I guess I was too young to even get what death was. Sorry I'm rambling again, aren't I? What I was saying is that I keep thinking about that hallucination and I was doing so well at telling myself none of it was true. Lately though, it has just been a slew of "what ifs." What if it really was dealing with me that sent you over the edge and made the cancer worse? What if I screw up again and this time dad can't manage to get his badge back this time? What if that vision trip was somehow foreshadowing things to come? What if I kill him too, mom? _

**June 7****th**

_Things have slowed down a lot compared to what we went through this school year. Scott and I practice lacrosse every day before we head over to Derek's house so the pack can train, which is weird in itself. Boyd and Erica are still gone, and while he tries not to show it, I can tell that Derek is a bit upset over them leaving in the first place. I guess the truly weird part of it all is that Jackson is a part of it all now. He still hates us all, still acts like he's better than anyone else, but there's just something different about the way he shows it. There's less severity, and more of a willingness to be a part of all of this. Oh, I forget to mention it before sometimes Lydia tags along with Jackson to the training sessions. At first it was a bit weird, mostly due to the fact that I was still trying to deal with the fact that Jackson was always going to be the one for her, but things have settled nicely between us. I'd even venture to say that we're… friends? _

_When Derek told us about the alpha pack I was sure that something would have happened by now, that our summer would be just as busy as the rest of the year, but so far we're just biding our time. Either they don't want anything to do with us or they're gearing up for something big, and with the way that things seem to happen around here, I'm betting on the latter. _

**June 10****th**

_Today during the training session something happened that really got me thinking. I'm not even sure what happened but one minute Jackson is throwing this huge piece of wood at Isaac, who happened to be standing right in front of me and who also happened to duck out of the way, and then the next moment Derek is there stopping it. He gave me that look, the one he always give me, y'know? The one where he looks at me like I'm such a pain in his ass, like it's such a chore for him to be helping me. The thing is, he always seems to be protecting me, like I'm not even sure that I could count all of the times on both hands if I really thought about it. All I'm getting at here is that a certain sourwolf probably doesn't hate me quite as much as he lets on, which makes me feel oddly happy. Oh god, did I really just write that down? Don't ever repeat that, mom. EVER. _

**June 13****th**

_It's getting really close to the.. well, you know what day I'm talking about. It's hard to believe that it has already been six year, and yet here I am, still writing these things. Sure I've stopped obsessing over them quite so much; I don't write every single day and I don't pour over every single detail of my life the same way, but I still go through the motions. Morrell, that's the guidance counselor I talk to sometimes, she says that it's not healthy to live in the past, that I need to let go of the things that are holding me back. Giant load of shit, yeah? How can she just suggest that I let you go? How could she just look at me and have the nerve to tell me that I need to get over my own mother's death? _

_I keep thinking about when it happened, or I guess rather leading up until it happened. You and dad sat me down and told me that you were sick, which I didn't really get at the time. In my little nine year old mind it was just like "Oh mommy has a cold and needs to go see the doctor." You were so strong that year, but then things started going downhill so fast and you were in bed all the time and dad was always yelling at me to be quiet or go play in my room. I didn't understand, mom. I just didn't get it. I thought you didn't want me around, that I had done something wrong, and then those last few weeks, when dad made me go stays with gramps, that just solidified in my mind that you guys didn't want me around. Then I finally did get to come home and you... you were gone. _

**June 15****th**

_Today I did something stupid. Big surprise there, right? I may or may not have called Derek out on the fact that he's a bit over protective on me. I don't think I've ever seen him look so angry in my life. Just imagine big scary him, red eyes flashing and claws coming out, staring right at you like he just wants to rip your head clean off. Needless to say, I will not be breaching the topic again anytime soon. It was sort of adorable though, the way that he got all bristled up like an angry dog. Wait, what did I just say?! Derek Hale and adorable do not ever belong in the same sentence. What I meant to say there is that it was terrifying and I was scared for my life and that I'm certainly not starting to feel anything for said alpha. Oh hell, I'm just going to end this now before I start saying anything really stupid. _

**June 19****th**

_Mom, have I got news for you. So there I was, just minding my own business. Okay, okay maybe I was poking through the basement in the Hale house being nosy while everyone else was training, but I was at least being discreet about it! Anyways, next thing I know I'm being grabbed up by the collar of my shirt and shoved against the wall (classic Derek, am I right?). He gave me the typical "I seriously loathe you so much" look but something was off about it and at first he didn't say anything and just kept staring at me with those angry, broody wolf eyes of his. He finally lets me go and just tells me to stay out of his stuff because he's "not going to save my ass once this whole house falls down on me." To which I replied that he better keep his grabby werewolf hands away from my ass period and would you believe it, the guy actually smiled! Yeah, yeah I know. You son, the wonderful, talented, incredibly handsome Stiles Stilinski managed to get a smile out of the one and only brooding, sourwolf himself. Please, please, hold the applause. _

**June 20****th**

_Maybe yesterday was a bit of a false alarm. Things seem to have gone back to normal between Derek and I. Being me, of course I tried to be all charming and witty at training today, you know exactly what I'm talking about, and ended up getting myself slammed into the ground. So much for a changed man, huh? It just sucks because I feel like if he would let down that damn wall he has built around himself then we could maybe, just maybe, help each other. He's lost practically his entire family and I've lost you and I just think that we could really get one another in that sense. I just… I hate to say it but those things that Morrell said have just been haunting me and I keep thinking about it and maybe there was a little bit of truth to what she said. It's been six years since you died and yeah, I miss you like crazy, but what are all of these rambles in these notebooks really accomplishing? I still get this overwhelming feeling if I don't write to you every few days, like if I stop then something bad it going to happen. I just feel so tied to this, you know? Which is so stupid because these damn pieces of paper aren't you, mom. Scribbling down my thoughts and telling you how my day was is never going to bring you back is it? _

**June 23****rd**

_I'm truly sorry about that outburst last time. It took a few days but I've calmed myself down enough to write again. I don't know how long this will be as I'm not really sure what to even do at this point. I guess if you're curious about the whole Derek situation then I should let you know that I've made a little headway. We were alone again and I made some absurd joke, so ridiculous that I don't even remember it anymore, but Derek actually chuckled. No, not a full blown laugh, just this little sound that I half mistook for a cough until I saw the look in his eyes. It was only there for a second but I'm certain that I saw it, just this brief little moment of what looked like happiness. _

**June 27****th**

_So today was the day. It was a bit surreal to tell you the truth. Dad and I go together every year and yet this morning when I asked him about it he told me that he wasn't feeling up to it this year. I guess I get where he was coming from. It has to be hard, visiting the last remaining trace of the person that he loved so dearly. Anyways, I ended up going alone but I got this feeling that I was being watched, that I wasn't completely alone. Sure enough I turned around and Derek was standing there, at the edge of the graveyard just standing there and watching me. We didn't say anything, he was took far away, but he just gave me this nod, this incredibly knowing moment between us, and then he just left. _

_I hate to say this, mom, and on today of all days, but this is going to be the last time I write. It's just time for this to stop, time for me to stop living in this stupid little fantasy world where you're still here and we can interact and talk about how my day is going. It's time for me to come to terms with the fact that you're never going to get any of this, never going to read a single word from the box full of notebooks that I've filled. None of this has ever been for you, and I realize that now. This was all just me selfishly clinging onto what I thought was the last connection I had to you, that through this we were somehow still together. I get it now though, mom. I really do. I don't need these notebooks anymore, I don't need to write you anymore because it's never been about that. It's about completely different things. It's that feeling I get when I'm driving around in the jeep and your favorite song comes on the radio or when I'm out in the woods and see a patch of wild daisies and remember how you used to braid them into your hair. It's that smile dad gets on his face when he gets real quiet and I can just tell he's remembering something about you. It's every single little moment when something just jumps out at me and reminds me of all of the happy times that we had, the time that I was blessed with you. I don't need these stupid books anymore. You've been here the entire time and while it wasn't in the way that I thought, you never really left me. I love you. I love you so much, mom. _


End file.
